This is a very personal article about something I can’t say I’ve ever spoken to anyone about. I am currently on a journey to better myself. I want to share with you what that journey is and what brought it on.
I have always been fat and I have none of the reasons most people have for overeating. I wasn’t sexually abused or anything of the sort, I just loved food! As I got older, I was confused about the way people chose to hide their addiction to food. I’ve heard about people hiding food and things of that nature. Some spoke about not having boyfriends in high school and feeling alone. I couldn’t relate. I didn’t hide my eating and I enjoyed a great social and love life. I kept thinking they’re fat for different reasons than I was. But I did realize that I was an emotional eater. No matter what emotion I had, I ate. I didn’t hide any of my emotions but food always played a part in them. I met guys who liked big girls so in my mind I was cute and could get a man so why change. Now I won’t say that as I’ve grown up I didn’t have moments where I didn’t like what I saw because that would be a lie, but never enough to change. I look back on that and wonder why. I mean I have times where I had chest pains and all sorts of things most would consider scary but I didn’t change. I didn’t change because people loved me. As long as people loved me, I was good.
At my heaviest I was 425lbs. That was in October 2011. I stood on the scale and just balled. I couldn’t understand how I let that happen. I was also confused. I assumed anyone over 400lbs couldn’t move around or take care of themselves. But I was over 400lbs and I could walk around and I had friends and was in love with a great guy. I can’t say that even then did I decide to make a change. The only thing I did was stop drinking soda. But by the time my birthday came in July 2012 I was down to 350 and felt good.
By this time, my Mom who was a diabetic like me had had a stroke. She wasn’t taking care of herself as she should and as terrified as I was that didn’t change me either. Not only was I overeating, I wasn’t taking care of my diabetes either. I thought about myself having a stroke but I didn’t change. Fast forward to December 2013, my boyfriend said he was ready for children. I knew it wouldn’t be healthy for me or a baby to be my size so I decided to have gastric bypass. I weighed 364lbs and the doctor wanted me to lose 25lbs to show my commitment. Well come March 2014, I find out I am indeed pregnant. Shocked the hell outta me! It did cause me to take my diabetes seriously though, after all, I was bringing a child into the world that deserved the best chance I could give it. In October, I had a boy and knew that I needed to be here for him. I gained 20lbs with him. After that, I again started trying to lose weight and was doing good. I got down to 338. I find out in July 2015 that I am pregnant again. Also a shock! This pregnancy was different though. I kept losing weight. I never gained. At every appointment they would ask was I trying to lose weight and I wasn’t. My appetite was all jacked up. They said the baby was healthy so they didn’t worry too much. But the time I had my daughter in January of this year, I was 329lbs. I don’t know what it was about having a daughter buy it became more motivated than ever to get to a healthier weight and that brings me up to now.
I am at this moment, 280lbs. I am proud of myself because I’m doing it. I’ve made the conscious decision to live for myself and my kids. I want to be able to play with them and be around as long as possible. I joined a gym and even though I don’t eat perfectly, I am more conscious of what I put into my body. Besides, working on myself physically, I do a lot of thinking. I think about how’d I got so far off and why. I realized that I put on a front for many years. I didn’t love myself. I held on to people loving me as an excuse to not do anything different. But I didn’t love me and that’s the person I need love from the most. I won’t say that I’ve conquered anything, because I haven’t. I still love my sweets and fried foods. That won’t change, but I look at it differently. I like to bake but I eat a piece and I don’t touch anymore of it. I don’t fry food much anymore, the oven has become a friend for meat. I do still eat fried foods but sparingly and I pay attention to portions. I don’t try to eat til I’m sick anymore. I know now that I’m worth it
I will admit that I have a fear of gaining it all back but I try to remind myself of who I’m doing it for: Justin and Jazmyn. My kids didn’t ask to be here and they deserve a mother that wants to be present in their life. I don’t want to be sitting in the house waiting for them to come tell me about something fun they’ve done, I want to be right there experiencing it with them.
My journey isn’t done and I have a long way to go. I also know that this is a lifetime thing. I will always have to pay attention to how I eat. I’m okay with that because I’ve learned that I’m worthy of love from others but most importantly myself.