I always wondered how women could work and be awesome mothers. I’ve seen many do it but I never thought that I would have to try to balance it all.
Being home with my son for six weeks was nice but it was nowhere near long enough for me. If I had it my way, I would have never returned to work. I’m sure most mothers feel this way. I honestly thought it would be easy to leave him and go back to work. After all, it wasn’t like he was going to daycare. Me and Aaron are fortunate to have my parents watching him, two people I trust more than anyone else to watch our son. But honestly with all that I would prefer me over everyone. The entire week before I returned to work I was miserable.
The first day back to work was long and painful. It was good to see certain coworkers but I just really wanted to be with my child. Not many know but I cried a lot that day. I appreciated people checking on me to see how I was doing. I called my parents several times that day just to see how he was doing. Focusing on work wasn’t really happening. I looked at pictures of my son most of the day and I kept thinking how I am going to do this. How can I leave him every day?
True enough there is a bit of guilt with leaving him. I know that I have to work. I know that I have to provide for him. Even with knowing all this I do feel guilty when I’m at work or when I take time for myself but I know it’s necessary. In order to be the Mom I want to be I have to provide and I have to stay sane and give myself breaks sometimes. I also have to show my son that working is the responsible thing to do. I could stay home with him all day but we can’t afford to do that and staying home would be incredibly selfish. I can’t put everything on Aaron because then I am not providing for my son. I love him as much as I can in the time we have. That’s why my weekends are so important to me. I have for the most part, two solid days with my son and they mean everything to me. I try to not work unless it’s necessary because I don’t want to take the time away from him.
I know I am truly fortunate to not have to put my son in daycare. That is something I don’t even want to think about doing until he is able to talk. I appreciate that my parents are helping us out by watching him while we work. I pray that one day I won’t have to work as much and can spend more time with him but for now, I’m doing what I have to do to make his life better.
Everything I do is for Justin!