It has been a very interesting period of my life as of late.Everything from near death experiences to scrapping the bottom to get a feel of what it is to pursue life correctly.And I have learned many new things.First and foremost I learned that sometimes it is hard to look yourself in the mirror. When lifting up rugs from the past , you end up seeing that everything swept under still remains there.I became and continue to be afraid of those past habits , doubts ,fears and painful mistakes I placed under there . Many years ago I started a journey that has cost me many things .Family, friends, my self awareness.My inability to process reality from ambition makes me pay a high price. This is how I have began to transition from being just another dreamer to a man with a passion to succeed By Any Means Necessary.
As I have stated before as a boy allot of what I envisioned of myself was based on an idea . Hollywood fiction, the idea that a man is too face his adversity and because of good will, life rewards accordingly. Yes, I agree very nieve.As I grew older life began to mold me.It began to run me threw the gauntlets and test my every fiber. From the disaster of being part of a broken family, which was my main drive and sturdiest of crutches. To the realization that I had /have demons handed down through my genetic makeup that would/do haunt me.Life made me timid of my false sense of righteousness.As I grew older I became more aware of my inability to commit to the battles which lay in front of me so I ran.I ran to everything I swore I wasn’t.I became my father. Thru our self loathing and inability to commit because of fear of finding out we didn’t have what it took or we couldn’t fufill the order for the men we perceive ourselves to be.As a last resort my defense mechanism has always been to fake it until I made it.Yet most of the time in my mind I was justified ,given a bad hand.Victim to my surroundings yet knight in shining armour in the making. That is the greatest lesson thus far.I am my own worst enemy .The reflection in the mirror always looked back and reassured that it was not me it was life and everyone else.Even though the lesson is in action the reflection still gets the better of me on some days.Now before you say here he goes, pity party.
The moral of my story is as follows. Even within all my downfalls and peaks in my life I have always sustained a vision of the man I see me becoming in life.Yet the desire to be a character who is chivalrous, keen, intellectual,loyal, humble, successful and the list goes on and on .That desire can not be fulfilled without going back to those rugs and facing what has been left behind.I don’t say it as a ploy to torture myself for insecurities or fears.It more of a therapy which allows me to visit those moments and say .I wasn’t who I wanted to be , and I didn’t make the soundest decisions.Yet underneath those rugs I left lessons that bring structure to who I have become.One at a time I must pick up the dirt and roll up that rug and say from this point on that is not part of my character .From this point on, in my darkest hours I can envision myself progressing, improving,not having to run because I know my weaknesses I know my faults and I embrace them.I now know that for that character to become reality I need to clean up what I have left behind .Because when life breaks you back down there is nothing that can keep you from taking a solid step forward except your ability to accept your deepest flaws and have enough forgivness to keep the pace . You/I possess the tools to get back up and face them .
THIS COMING FROM A MAN WHO IS JOBLESS, IN DEBT AND BARELY TREADING ABOVE WATER…YET IS IN POSSESSION OF THE WILL TO SURVIVE, PROSPER, SACRIFICE, WORK TO SUCCEED.
BECAUSE QUITING IS FOR COWARDS AND THAT AIN’T ME I AM BETTER THAN THAT