This is not the typical post you expect from Wonderland. This is not some crime story or current case. I decided to take things a little personal this time. All anyone who reads this knows is what was put in my introduction post. But do any of you really know me? Today I will show a side of me I haven’t even shown to my family or friends. We’re about to get personal.
Last week Monday, the day after a very busy Mother’s Day I thought I would have a nice peaceful day of relaxing at home alone while the kids were in school. But it seems my health and my Dr had a different plan for me that day. As some who are Facebook friends with me know, I had been going to the VA Clinic for some MRI tests to make sure I didn’t have MS which is Multiple Sclerosis. Now for those of you that don’t know… I suffer from chronic pain, debilitating migraines that cause paralysis, low blood pressure, and a rapid heart rate. So we wanted to make sure that I didn’t have MS which is a degenerative disease. If I did have MS there would be a new treatment plan and meds in place to slow the disease but as time went on I would get worse. I tried over the course of weeks to prepare myself for the worst. I told myself that even if I had MS it was something that could be managed and controlled and I would live a relatively normal life for a while longer. Of course friends and family rallied around me saying they were praying for good news and praying it wasn’t MS. I was hoping for the best along with the rest of them but I was not prepared to hear. The words my doctor said hit me like a train and I couldn’t process what he was saying. “Ms Gudell I am calling to go over the results of your MRI. You don’t have MS (I was relieved!) But when going over the scan of your brain we found a mass. You could have had this for years but we don’t know.”A million and one questions flowed thru my head at one time. Was it cancer, can it be removed, what does he mean a mass, what is it, how did it get there, can it get bigger, oh my goodness am I going to die? MS was one thing… Montell Williams has it, I had done my research, I knew what to expect. I was not prepared for something like this. The first thing I said was “Ok how do we get rid of it?” It was then I learned there was nothing they can do. At this time there were no cancer cells in my labs so there would be no need for chemo at this point and the mass was near the brainstem in an area that they can’t reach easily and if they can reach it, the damage that surgery could do was not worth it at this point. If the mass were to get any bigger or cause anymore issues then we may look into some options.
That day I was so confused I didn’t know what to say, what else to ask, or even what to do. Who do I tell? When I found out I had cancer before I kept it from a lot of people until I was already going thru chemo and had surgery to remove the tumors. But now what do I say? What will people think? I only told a handful of people that day and the next day I called the Dr and let him know I had some questions. When he returned my call I was not any better off. His confidence the day before was gone. Now he wants to run more labs in a few months to make sure it’s not cancerous. He said upon closer look at the film, they just want to double-check in a few months to make sure that my labs are the same and my symptoms haven’t gotten worse. So far in the week since the call I have gone thru a rollercoaster of emotions. I am still kind of stuck at the anger level. Not mad at those around me but mad that I fought so hard thru cancer already I don’t understand why I am going thru this now. I have been questioning faith, karma and all that good stuff. I have had an outpouring of support from family and friends but it’s so hard to express to anyone what I feel. I want to be mad, I want to cry, I am tired. But I need to be strong… after all I am a mother and therefore I cannot let my kids see how weak I am at this point in my life. I am scared, frustrated, tired, pissed the hell off… I know that I have people there to share all this with but no one truly understands. I don’t want to hear you have to think positive… positive is all I do. I am being real. I WILL NOT GET BETTER. That is a harsh reality to live with. I AM ALONE. Tho surrounded by people who are there the fact is I am alone. I am the one with a mass on the brain. No one else. People can offer their support but when it comes down to it the only one who really has to live with this is me. I AM TIRED. I am tired of fighting. I fought in everything that was given to me in life. I fought to make sure the person responsible for hurting my son went to jail, I fought to stay strong after my grandmother passed, I fought to keep my pregnancy with Reina and make sure she survived, I fought thru cancer… and I won all those battles… Right now I am tired. I want to have something go normal for once. I don’t want to wake up everyday in pain. I don’t want to wonder how much I can get done before my paralysis kicks in. I don’t want to cook another dinner with the use of only one hand. I don’t want to be strong any more. I am too young for all this.
I know I am not alone in that feeling. I know many have felt frustrated when they get news they can’t fully comprehend. I know that soon when I stop being angry and accept it and move on I will be better but right now I just want to be mad.
Thank you for letting me share this journey with you. I know some wondered why there was no post after Monday last week and now you know why. I needed time to process all this. I still do. I don’t think at this point I fully comprehend the impact that this will have on my life. I know that I have this unrealistic rule of restrictions from my doctor like not to stress, take things easy, cut down on some of the things I do… but really who can do any of that? Right now I may seem juvenile to some by staying angry. And I am not angry at any one person. It’s no one’s fault that this happened to me. That much I have learned to understand. There is nothing I did or anyone did to me that got me to this point. But I am angry. I am angry at the fact that I have to fight to live while others who do all the wrong things skate thru life.
I share this for those who are going thru something in their life where they feel like they are alone. Chances are for that situation, no one may know how to deal with it, but at least someone (me) knows how you feel about having to deal with it. I know there are many others who do too. Day by day we will get thru each and every issue thrown our way. Remember its ok to be angry and have all the emotions you do. Just don’t shut out those who want to be there for you. Let them know how you feel. Tell them how they can be there for you. That’s the only way we will get thru this thing called life. And it doesn’t matter what you were told when you were growing up, it IS ok to cry.