My Journey to Motherhood

I think becoming a mother is the greatest thing a woman can do. To have a life growing inside that someday will go out into the world and try to make their mark. Every woman has their own story of this journey and this is mine.

I was one of those women that went back and forth between wanting children or not. It usually depended on whose child I was around. A bad kid terrified me because I knew I didn’t have to patience for that. As I got older, I realized that was all dependent on the parent of how a child behaved. I wondered when my time would come to be a Mom.

In 2009, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, also known as PCOS. Basically it means that I didn’t ovulate every month. My doctor wasn’t sure exactly when I did. I was devastated because to me I was hearing getting pregnant is almost impossible and that’s what I said when I told people. In my eyes, I was damn near infertile. As upset as I was about it, a part of me was grateful. I was grateful because I knew that having a child with my ex would’ve been horrible for my life. I knew if I had a child with him I would’ve never been rid of him. So I started to see PCOS as somewhat of a gift. I’m one of those women who wanted to only have one father for my children and he just couldn’t be it. So even though in my head I thought I would be a mother by 25, that wasn’t the plan. I tried to not focus on it but every once in a while the thought would creep into my mind. I didn’t know if I would ever be a mother. I’d move on and live life and whatever was supposed to happen would happen.

Well once I fell in love with my current boyfriend Aaron the thought was on my mind a lot. Everything that every woman wants in her life, I wanted with him. So I considered different ways to lose weight because I was told that it would increase my chances of fertility and Lord knows I didn’t want to go on fertility drugs without a guaranteed reality show. I mean how else would we support multiples? Finally this past December I decided I would opt to have gastric bypass surgery. I was really excited about it and actually was losing a little weight. I needed to drop 25 to show that I was committed and I was doing it. Well I went to the doctor early March because I was gonna switch to Insulin from Metformin to help control my Diabetes. Aaron suggested that I take a pregnancy test because I had been complaining about my breasts hurting. Neither of us expected a test to be positive because every time we thought I was pregnant, the test would come up negative and we’d be disappointed. Well I took the test and it came up positive. Talk about a shock to my world! I expected to hear negative and to continue with my appointment but that wouldn’t be the case. I was going to be a Mom and Aaron a Dad. This will be the first child for either of us and I couldn’t wait to get home and tell him. And when I tell you he wasn’t expecting that when I got home.

I know you’re supposed to wait at least 3 months but I couldn’t hold it in. I told my closest friends, my parents and Twin and we told Aaron’s Mom. I mean this was not what we saw coming. I mean I was preparing for weight loss surgery and planned on trying to get pregnant at least 2 years from now but sometimes life has other plans. I started looking at life completely differently. It’s not just about me anymore. No longer can I be selfish and want what I want and expect to get it. What’s best for this baby is what comes first. That is my priority. The hardest thing for me is probably food. Most women look at pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever they want. I can’t do that. Having my blood sugar in check doesn’t allow that. Now I’ll be honest if I really want something I eat it, but I don’t go crazy for a whole day. Truthfully, I’m terrified to.

The day after I found out I was pregnant I went for another appointment in a diabetes clinic that specializes in high risk, which I am. They told me that my sugar was high and that wasn’t good in early pregnancy during the early trimester because of spinal development. I freaked out! I hadn’t been watching my sugar as well as I should and I was scared that this pregnancy would end before it even got started. They told me I was being admitted so they can get my levels under control. I’m 30 years old but at that moment all I wanted was my Mom and Aaron. Someone to tell me that I wasn’t gonna ruin this. And truthfully that is my biggest fear, that I will mess this up. I am happily 14 weeks and breathing a little easier because I’m out of the first trimester but I’m honestly still scared. Every day I’m praying that my baby is okay and am so relieved when I have an ultrasound. This kid can move around and I know once I start to feel it this kid ain’t gon stop. I’ve also told myself that since it took me this long that this child is strong and is going to make it.

I truly can’t wait to find out what we’re having and even more to hold him or her. I know parenting is hard but I can see the reward when I see my friends hugging their kids or when they’re kid accomplishes something great. I always felt like I was missing out on something and now I’m starting to feel complete.

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