A Tortured Heart
Not all of our 8-year relationship entailed physical abuse, not even half. It seriously was the last couple of months or so. I guess I should’ve seen it coming. The crazy and random outbursts, the threats that he could kill me, maybe even the fact that he pulled a gun on me once. These are all signs that I should’ve taken more seriously. This is a man I’ve seen hurt himself, why wouldn’t he hurt me?
It was another time of him accusing me of cheating and I asked him to leave. Instead of that, he slits his wrist and locks himself in the bathroom. This is the only time I’ve called someone for help. I called my mom and begged her not to bring my dad. Of course she didn’t listen. My parents begged me to leave him alone. I just left and went to see my best friend. I couldn’t tell him the extent of what had happened. I was too ashamed. We broke up not long after that and I was happy and free. I was spending more time with friends and family, but slowly and just like all the other times, we got back together.
Eventually we got another apartment together and things were okay for a little bit. Then he went back to his old ways and I was truly stressed out. I was starting to realize he was a hindrance to my happiness. I was spending less time with friends and sat in the house alone. He started being physical with me by shoving me or walking up on me to intimidate me. A part of me became jealous of some friends because they were out having fun while I was afraid to go anywhere besides work and to see my parents. I was a shell of myself.
After he lost his job, things got as bad as they’d ever been. He was staying out all night and I rarely saw him. A part of me was relieved but the part of me that wanted love and affection longed for him. I sat up nights just crying. Trying to make sense of what had become of my life. I felt lonelier than I ever had in my life. And it only got worse.
One day he comes in and wants to borrow money. I have none and he gets angry, questioning where all my money was going and why I had none to give to him. He’s all in my face and I’m ignoring him. Before I know it, he’s slapped me. I was in complete shock. This was not the man I had loved for 8 years whose looking at me as if I’m some random off the street. I try to run and he throws me onto the couch. I’m screaming for help but no one comes. He’s now dragging me through the apartment by my jeans while I’m kicking and asking God to save me. I finally kick hard enough for him to let me go and I run out of the building. I immediately drive to my parents’ but can’t find the courage to tell them what happened. Sadly, that wasn’t my final straw but soon after he pushed me to it. He treated the incident as if it was my fault and that infuriated me.
I sat up one night and couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop crying. I prayed to God to get me out of this situation. If he showed me a sign, I promised to follow because I didn’t have the strength to leave on my own. When I tell you God answers prayers! Maybe 2 weeks later, he came home early to spend some time with me. We had a wonderful night, better than we’d had in a long time. We get up the next morning and I made us breakfast. Everything is great until he asks me for some money. I have none and he flies off the handle. He’s in my face pushing and threatening me and accusing me of giving my money to another man. He’s yelling that he’s gonna kick my ass before he kills me. That’s my cue to go! As he’s yelling I’m getting dressed as fast and as quietly as I can. As I head towards the door, he grabs me. I’m trying to squeeze myself out the door because I know if he pulls me in, it’s over for me. I get away and I jump in my car and head straight to my parent’s house. I said nothing to them but that the relationship was over and I needed to stay with them a bit. He moved also but I was too scared to go back to the apartment. I was being harassed by him, getting phone calls on my cell and at work. It wasn’t until my mom threatened his life that he left me alone. Everyone assumed we’d get back together and why wouldn’t they? I always went back, but not this time. I told myself that if I ever went back that I didn’t love myself and I was accepting death and truthfully that’s how I felt. I knew that one day one of us would kill the other and I refused to put myself back in that situation.
I tell this very personal story so that someone will read it and recognize that not all abusive relationships start that way but there are signs that it could be coming. I know now that if any man has that bad of a temper it can one day be directed towards you. Nobody deserves to be treated that way and you have to love yourself enough to know when it’s time to go. The people that love you will want and will help you get out of that situation. I lost a lot dealing with him but I did learn a lot about myself. I know my worth now and I am a much stronger person. We occasionally have crossed paths and there is no fear and I’ve forgiven him. There are situations more extreme than mine but I’m hoping that any woman reading this will realize that what you’re going through doesn’t have to be your permanent situation. Any man that will hit you could eventually kill you. You may think it’s not that serious, but it is.
DON’T BE AFRAID TO GET HELP!
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