In a lot of relationships abuse becomes a large part of it. Whether physical, emotional, or verbal, abuse can destroy a person’s self-esteem. I feel that the combination broke me all the way down. This is a two-part story of abuse, the abuse I suffered. I am writing this in hopes that someone will read this and not be ashamed to tell their story and even more important, remove themselves from a dangerous situation.
He started out nice, as they all do. Now I admit that he had a temper, it just never was with me. I liked that I had a tough guy that was sweet to me. I did notice that he was a bit controlling in the sense that he trusted no man when it came to me. In his eyes, every man wanted me and none were to be trusted. The problem with that was two of the people I hung around the most were men. Constant arguments and having to defend my friends and myself became a weekly thing. At first it wasn’t that bad but as the arguments became more frequent, I was wondering what his problem was.
Everything gets worse after he is stabbed in the head and then diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I guess I should’ve ran then but being the supportive girlfriend, I was going to help him through it. That temper he had got worse because now his anger is being directed towards me. The littlest things would set him off. On top of that I’m being accused of cheating with every man under the sun. I can’t have a girl’s night without getting calls or texts the whole time I’m gone which usually shortened my night out.
We broke up a lot! It never lasted long and we were always in constant contact. For the life of me I don’t know why I couldn’t leave him alone. I was much happier when I wasn’t with him but I did miss him, which sounds so crazy, but I did. No matter what we went through I was used to it. I felt I knew how to handle him. I think the reason I stayed was because I didn’t want to be another person that left him. He always claimed that not many people really had his back and I didn’t want to be another person that abandoned him. So I put up with his shit, all of it. And I felt stupid the whole 8 years. I thought I could change him or at least make him want to change. If I kept proving my love and loyalty to him maybe he’d shape up and start acting right.
It got to the point that I stayed in the house to avoid arguing with him and when I did leave I dreaded going home. I was nervous every time he called me. I never knew which guy I was getting on the phone. Would he be polite and just wanted to hear my voice? Was he calling to fuss about something or was he calling because he wanted some money? I began to resent him. I was giving up so much of myself and getting nothing but a headache and heartbreak in return.
The emotional toll that relationship took on me affected me for a long time. I wasn’t a happy person. I put on a brave fact for everyone and dealt with my pain alone. I cried a lot. I didn’t understand how you could give all of yourself to someone and it still not be enough. It changed who I was. I was down and wishing I could talk to someone but I was ashamed that I was putting up with it. But what really made things worse is when things got physical.
To be continued…
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