October 13, 2011 at 12:17am
When I was a kid I always had a fascination with Hollywood. I remember watching movies with my mother and thinking how fun it would be to make a living out of pretending to be different characters doing amazing things. I could take on a hostage situation inside of an 80 story skyscraper bare footed or going toe-to-toe with the Batman. I could be an African prince living in Queens, NY while looking for my bride or I beat Whoopi Goldberg’s ass until she gets old, goes lez and then puts a hex on me till I find her sister. Yes, for most of my life Hollywood was a place built on the imaginations of some amazing visionaries, giving us some of the most memorable stories that have stayed with us throughout our childhood. And the technology became better as we got older. We got to know what it would feel like to be on a big ass boat with a bunch of white people (for some of my minority readers) while it sunk into the sea. Then we started making movies out of old TV shows we used to watch. Then we did it to old comic books. Then we did it to old cartoons. Then we remade old movies. Now when we have no other stories we can think of, Hollywood has started remaking recent movies. And we’re not just talking rebooting a series we’re talking rehashing stories as new movies, remodeling classics and just remaking movies so they can collect money from us. Honestly, a lot of the movies coming out next year are sitting in your DVD pile right now. And I guarantee, your DVD is better. There are some that are sitting in your XBOX 360 or PS3 as games. Yep they’re making shitty movies outta those too. Don’t believe me… Let me list em’ for you:
Noah: I’m getting really tired of seeing the same European actors play all these characters from a long time ago as if there was no proof established earlier on that the very characters they are playing were discovered to be not only of African descent but also Black. (Yeah, I said it!) Cleopatra was a beautiful Black woman. Moses was really an angry Black man. These Moors that they show off in motion pictures looking like a Disney cut out of Aladdin were actually intelligent Black Africans that brought Europe out of the Dark Ages before they were turned on and chased into other parts of the globe. Russell Crowe is cool and all, but other than Robin Hood and a Roman Leader, there really is no need to substitute the truth for ticket sales. But they did it anyway so… “Whatever. F**k You!”
Short Circuit: Remember that one robot that thought he was alive. Most of you don’t, but a lot of you do. They’re remaking that with faith that none of you remember who Johnny 5 is. This is their way of saying “Whatever. F**k You!”
Juice: This was a film that could have and should have been left alone. Tupac became 2PAC in this role, literally. It was one of the best breakout performances of film history. Hands down. Who on Earth could possibly step into those shoes? Hollywood cast Soulja Boy as Bishop, and that’s when I gave em’ the middle finger and said “Whatever“.
The Last Dragon: Muthaf**ka for what?!?!? WHY??? You know what? Whatever. F**k You!
Dirty Dancing: Nobody puts Baby in a corner, huh? Whatever. F**k You! Nobody tells Hollywood what to do! They’ll put Baby in a picture and wipe there ass with it and then slap it in 30,000 theaters around the world. And call it art. And you’ll like it because it’ll be sponsored by Pepsi or Coca-Cola or Trojans or whatever. F**k You!
Amityville Horror: Another chance to bore the “Whatever. F**k You!” right out of the audience.
Monopoly: The man that directed the epic “Gladiator” agreed to make this film. You believe that shit? All the while Hollywood says, “Whatever. F**k You!” Who can we get to play the old bald guy with the monocle?” I’m stuck wondering who’s going to be the d**k head stuck playing the thimble?
Halo: First they’re doing it, and then they’re not because of the success of Avatar. Then they are in a few years. Now they’re not sure till they know what “Avatar 2: the Rise of the Whatever F**k You” will be about. Just scrap it!!!
Mortal Kombat: Either do it right or whatever. F**k You!
Yellow Submarine: Whatever. F**k You!
Kane & Lynch: Starring Bruce Willis and Jamie Foxx (Both guys are supposed to be white. But whatever. F**k You.) Tearing up the city as two white, murdering, pill popping, escaped convicts shooting their way to freedom in this laugh riot.
Uncharted: Probably starring Mark Wahlberg softly speaking and looking for artifacts in this male Lara Croft like action/adventure/whatever. F**k You.
Scarface: You think I’m playing?!?!? They are in talks with Hollywood right now to remake the Al Pacino classic. I didn’t know it back then but that was actually a remake and guess what it will be remade from the scratch of the remake of the original. Don’t like it? Whatever. F**k You!
Then there’s these other adaptations they force fed us, like:
Footloose: Remember that time, maybe two years ago, when you got really sick of all the dance movies coming out. Hollywood hopes you don’t. Because they want you to shell out $11 to go see the movie that you would like to forget Kevin Bacon was a part of. And the original was a good for its time but for right now it’s just another dance movie with the same plot and another reason to force you into watching people do the dougie until you’re left with 90 minutes of wasted time and a ticket stub that says, “Whatever. F**k You!”
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Now before you call me a hater, bare with me a minute. This movie is the first in a 3 part remake of the 3 year old adaptation of the popular book. You follow? As a matter of fact, they were already showing trailers for this movie while the final movie for the first adaptation was available in the Redbox. So even though it looks good, it will be the same as the earlier, more accurate and better reviewed version made in Europe. Plus you won’t have that sense of “Whatever. F**k You!”
Hua Mulan: Ok throw the Disney cartoon out the window, because in this version there were no talking dragons or sing along with Eddie Murphy. This is the live action version that remains true to what really happened. Too bad the movie came out already in 2008, and Hollywood just keeps hoping that you don’t get curious enough to go looking for it. Because I can tell you right now, it is really good. But if you not really interested in either version, that’s cool. Whatever. F**k You!
Red Tails: Finally a movie about the Tuskegee Airmen, that happens to be modeled after the TV movie “The Tuskegee Airmen”, starring Cuba Gooding Jr., who was also in the film “The Tuskegee Airmen”. Let’s be honest it’s the same deal with better CGI and different title just to make money off of historical events or black folks. I guess. George Lucas is behind it. Whatever. F**k You!
Man On A Ledge: Not to be confused with “The Ledge” which came out last year but this is a cross between that and “Inside Man”. A sprinkle of the “The Fugitive”, and topped off with the seasoning of “Whatever. F**k You!” all over it.
The Amazing Spider-Man: Another chance to cash in some more of that Marvel money before we run out of comic characters to ruin. Whatever. F**k You!
Man of Steel: With Batman’s movies coming to an end, maybe they can take over for a while at least till Warner Bros. can find a way to re-boot and re-ruin the Batman franchise with another team of writers and producers. The same way they will continue to do with Superman in movies like this. Whatever. F**k You!
The Tourist: Did any of you know this was a remake? I just thought it sucked… Oh well. Whatever. F**k You, Angelina!!!
Total Recall: If you remember this movie for one thing, then you’re like me. And whoever plays her, she better have 3 of ‘em or else it’s whatever. F**k You!
Battleship: How many lines of cocaine and hours of play do you have to put in to come up with the bright idea that a movie can be made out of saying shit like “B 17” for two hours. And just to make sure that you go see it, Rihanna is one its main stars. Whatever. F**k You!
Real Steel: It’s just “Rock’em Sock’em Robots” with Wolverine. Whatever. F**k You!
I mean the list goes on and on and on and on. As the remakes and reboots look more like refried retards re-doing re-diculous stories over and over again. Hollywood has gotten lazy as whole. She used to be the pretty redbone I couldn’t wait to have on my arm to validate me as a living American dream. Now it’s become this big, annoying, fake ass, high maintenance, unoriginal b***h at all the parties, telling the same jokes, to the same people, boring everybody with her monotonous attitude towards everything. Let me tell you a quick story about how to feed this b***h. First, you come up with a unique story. Then, you re-write it till it is grammatically correct and punctual enough to be read as an idea for a film. Then you copyright the shit out of it. Next, you buy a ticket and fly out to see this b***h and you pitch your unique story to every one of her handlers. After, they all turn you down and send you away. Go home and watch E news for 3 months till you see your unique story being talked about as the next film in the “Die Hard” franchise. Last, crawl into a bottle of Bourbon and drink away the heartache till you can finally wake up in the morning and just say, “Whatever. F**k You!” Or… You could take that same unique story, film it yourself, with your own money, send it into film festivals, get some notoriety, become famous and when Hollywood tries to knock you for not being in their film adaptation of “Hungry, Hungry Hippos”… You will look them in the eyes with your dignity intact and say, “WHATEVER. F**K YA’LL!!!!
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