Before I Self Destruct: The Calm Before WGMG XX: Rise of the Moor

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November 3, 2013 at 10:43pm

This isn’t a rant. This isn’t a PSA. This isn’t even a WGMG. To tell you the truth… I really don’t know what the f**k I’m even writing all this for. I just sat down and started typing. I guess that’s how it begins a couple drinks a few spins of the MMLP2 and you start to type up a bunch of outlandish sh*t until you have the strength to fall asleep. Or until you’ve had so much wine you fall asleep at the computer desk logged on to Facebook while you’re getting IM’s from friends telling you that you got a twisted f***ed up sense of humor. Oh well. Here goes any chance of me being considered a decent human being again;

 Wanting people to respect the sacredness of marriage is like looking at Lil’ Wayne to put down the red Solo cups… F*** it! Not happening anytime soon. However, I do respect this institution of matrimony because I want to believe that there is someone out there that could enjoy spending everyday with you until you do something so stupid. It takes a lot of patience and understanding in a relationship to say I love this ignorant som’b***h standing next to me so much, the only hands I feel comfortable around their throat is mine. That’s some real commitment to have to a person you will see every day for the rest of your life. When you wake up in the morning they have the right to breath in your face and be happy as shit. When you make a sandwich they have the right to walk up and take a bite out of that b***h and tell you what it is missing. They have the right to remind you of things you may have forgotten, the right to tell you which of your friends can’t come over, they even have the right to request that you leave your crack at home when you go out. Yep. It’s in the Geneva Convention, look it up. If he/she says you can go to work but leave your dope/bath salts/meth/crack/weed at the house, you better f***ing listen for your own good. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know Lamar Odem even had a crack problem! When the reports said he may have been addicted to crack, I was like, “But he was a Laker!” Is that bad that I would believe it more if they said a Bucks player, Pistons player, Sixers player, Celtics Player, hell you could’ve told me a Dallas Cowboy lineman was popped for sniffing Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, robbed a Foot Locker and was found dead after overdosing on Orangutan tranquilizers and Red Bull. I would believe you and hit the like button like a true American asshole. But a Laker, No way!!! In all my years, I’ve only seen one thing tear down Lakers greats and that is the “snussy”. The snussy got to Wilt. That snussy got to Magic with a vengeance. The snussy even caught Kobe up twice, and one time it was waiting for him in Colorado. Believe it or not, unlike millions of abused dogs and cats found in animal shelters around the country forced into listening to depressing pop ballads while vets are removing pencils and crayolas out of their ears and anuses, there are more snussy attacks against former and active Laker players than in any other organization. If you look at the numbers it’s quite an epidemic. Did you know that the average snussy between the ages of 21 to 24 can devour up to four Laker players in one session, I sh*t you not. That is equivalent to a five man pick-up game ran before an NBA regulated half! Don’t trip though, because for 30 cents a day your favorite or most tolerable Laker player can avoid the pitfalls that swallowed up the careers of so many broke ass community d*** athletes from before. That’s 30 cents towards fighting off snussy attacks from spreading into the Midwest and Eastern regions. That’s 30 cents towards his gas to the Planned Parenthood building. That’s 30 cents toward the extra chemical condom they’ll need to keep your key Laker player competing for a playoff berth!

The Husband & Wives Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Directly across the street, a new wives store opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

 

I’m trying really hard to be a man of faith, and most of ya’ll that are in those same shoes can understand it is not easy. There are a lot of negative people out there waiting to get you in a compromising situation. You know when someone makes you mad you try to turn the other cheek with the “new you”. If someone makes an offensive gesture like showing up to your company Halloween party in “black face” dressed as Left Eye from TLC and carrying around a steering wheel, the “new you” may give them an earful of choice words in a stern and direct manner. However, the “old you” would have wrapped that same steering wheel around their neck, dragged them out to the parking lot and commenced to whooping their ass in front of the staff to the sound of “What About Your Friends” blasting through your car stereo. There is so much that we see on a daily basis that requires some form of challenge once and a while. Now I try to like stats and posts that appeal to me and the mind set I’m on at the time. But, some of these posts have got to stop and I mean right gottdamn now! (beats fist on computer desk) What’s with all the “If you love Jesus, then you have 30 seconds to like my stat!” bullsh*t I keep seeing?? I understand if we “likejokes and random pics, you should take the time to like something that also represents your faith. But not one picture of a thick Black/Hispanic girl says like this or forever remains unable to see or get any “snussy” again! Stop threatening people to like your status by using Jesus! It’s JESUS! It’s not like he’s Candyman, b***h! Like if you don’t show Jesus some Facebook love, he’s going to un-friend your whole existence. I wish I would get to heaven and find out I can’t walk through the gates because of some bullsh*t FB drama one of ya’ll instigated with one of these punk ass posts. You’re going to have videos of my ghost running through your house next, haunting your whole damn family until each of you like every one of my WGMG rants.

Black Folks in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you, I have Black folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and Barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, chicken, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of Gold. Some folk are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren’t even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up they hair.”

The Lord said, “I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let’s call the Devil. The Devil answered the phone, “Hello? Damn it, hold on.” The Devil returned to the phone and said, “Hello Lord, what can I do for you?” The Lord replied, “Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there.” The Devil said, “Wait one minute,” and put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said “Okay, I’m back. What was the question?” The Lord said, “What kind of problems are you having down there?” The Devil said, “Man, I don’t belie….. Hold on, Lord”. This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, “I’m sorry Lord, I can’t talk right now. These N****s dun’ put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!”

 

Temptation is a real issue right now. In 2013, hardly anyone is trying to be faithful anymore. It’s not even a struggle to remain faithful. It’s all in the attitude out here. People aren’t even waiting for you to get busted for f***ing around. Out of my entire friend list and yours, about 85% of ya’ll have a second string back-up that IM’s you on the daily. 50% of ya’ll are that organized, you did some off seasons trades, shaved some dollars off of your salary cap and picked up a third string option that is only allowed to hit you on Instagram or SnapChat. With ya’ll scandalous asses! This is why chivalry is greeted the way it is by most of ya’ll women. You tend to look at these guys as lames, stalkers and for some reason “thirsty”. At the rate we’re going as men, you may end up with a man that’ll be smack camming you, recording your baby sister twerking and leaving after an hour to go turn up with his friends while doing the FDB dance to the song “FDB” all on your first date together. Meanwhile, you’re at home IM your girlfriends and denying that’s you and lil’ Keisha on Worldstar Hip Hop with over 600,000 views. And Men, if the girl isn’t feeling you or your style, no matter how f***ed up it is you got to let her go. If you message her and she don’t remember who you are and the number you messaged her from, let her go. If you send funny pictures, inspirational quotes, or even suggestive pictures that hint at what you are looking for with her and all she sends you is a ONE word reply followed by “thanks”, let her go. You are not on her radar and if you continue you will only dig yourself a deeper hole. If you’re not on her radar, then f**k it! Extend your reach of service. Do what you love and enjoy life to its fullest, and then when her radar picks up all this happiness and enjoyment you got going on for yourself, guess what? You’ll be on her radar, but will she be on yours is the real question. I’d be like “HELL NAW! I don’t even have service right now. I don’t see any bars for you right now. Who’s your carrier/provider?! Sprint? Oh, mine is IMGOOD/TEL-ALL.”

That “One Last Fling”

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful, younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day, the “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test, we couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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